Monday, July 11, 2016

Viscount Greystoke is required to get a vote.

Mixing of present and past, having a go at all things thought sacred and confusing the hell out of people with what I write.  Have I managed to do that to you so far?  If not, then I clearly have not been trying hard enough!

Right oh then.  Lord Wishart and his brave band (League) of gentlemen are off to a coastal jungle area (which has marooned many an unfortunate person) in search of Viscount Greystoke, John Clayton who is desperately required for an upcoming crucial vote in the House of Lords.  However dastardly forces oppose the vote in the form of Lady Hillary Shtop-Pitt who has been dispatched by a sinister and secret group unknown to Parliament.

As an aside I am a huge admirer of Edgar Rice Burroughs, while I have actually yet to read his Tarzan works I have read his other titles which include John Carter, Carson of Venus and Pellucidar.  Could there be a trip to the mysterious Red Planet in the distant future?  Who knows, my imagination is a rather fertile environment only limited by my poor mental health.  Time will tell, just wait and see...

Minor Plots

"She said!" - Map section 
Garry Hackleman
Mr Hackleman and Ms Dellinger are the latest batch of marooned persons to wash up on this notorious piece of coastal jungle.  Each have part of a map that will allow them to reach "civilisation" and a slow boat back to true civilisation.  Mr Hackleman is a rather bluff individual and when he and Ms Dellinger came ashore soaked to the bone he made an off hand remark about her feminine figure.  Perhaps he should not have been holding the only map they had as in a pique of fury she swiped and tore the map asunder. Claiming the torn part she then promptly stuffed it down her cleavage.  Hackleman refuses to apologise until she returns his map section.  Luckily Tarzan came across them and has put them up until they can come to terms... whenever that might be.

Objective: Get the map section.

Dolores T. Dellinger
"He said!" - Map section
Dolores Dellinger
Dolores Dellinger is an American school mistress on her way to a teaching position with well to do family in Britain.  Her journey was interrupted by a squall which has resulted in her and one other individual - Mr Hackleman, being marooned on the African coast.  Ms Dellinger is rather prickly about her figure and after wading ashore soaked to the bone, the water having caused her clothes to cling to her body in ways she was not wanting to display, she got testy.  When Mr Hackleman made a rather bluff comment about her figure, she lost it, snatched part of the map detailing a way to safety, and shoved it into her bodice.  Dolores and Hackleman had been arguing at such volume it attracted the attention of Tarzan who offered them the comforts of his jungle home until they can sort out their differences.... if they can.

Objective: Get the map section.

Professor Archimedes Q. Porter
"What leaving already?" - Animal and plant specimens 
Professor Archimedes Q Porter
Currently pottering around the garden with his daughter Jane.  He's cataloguing a range of unusual giant man eating plants at present.  Archimedes has learnt that the giant man eating plants have a very sensitive root system which as long as you avoid the exposed roots will ensure you do not become it's dinner.  However just in case he makes a false move, he carries a supply of dead fauna to throw into the floras path, satiating the plant and allowing him to document it fascinating life cycle.

Objective: Obtain samples of the flora and fauna from Archimedes.

Mrs Clayton nee Jane Porter AKA Lady Greystoke
"Unhand me you savage!" - Hostage
Jane Porter
Once a bumbling damsel in distress she is now a formidable adventuress in her own right, fully capable of surviving and defending herself in the wilds of Africa.  The perfect companion for Tarzan.  Jane is currently keeping an eye on her father as he wanders through her garden, which includes several variety of giant man eating plants.

Objective: Claim Jane if you can to ensure Tarzan agrees to your Leagues agenda.

Major Plot

John Clayton, Viscount Greystoke AKA Tarzan
"You want me to vote!" - Hostage
John Clayton
After some time in civilisation John Clayton has returned to his domains in Africa.  Far from impressed with the affairs of civilised men, he has no interest in returning anytime soon to the polluted streets of city life.  He's currently poking around, perhaps unwisely, in an old ruined temple near his wife's prize garden of giant man eating plants.

Lord Wishart ensure Tarzan remains in Africa.
Lady Shtop-Pitt get Tarzan to England for the vote.

A Story...

A polite knock at the library door brought Lord Wisharts attention to the present.


The door opened allowing Phillby the butler to announce a plump and flush faced man of middle years into the Safari Drawing Room.

"Mr Rueben Anchor of the Foreign Office, m'Lord," Phillby said closing the door and giving his master a knowing look, all while massaging his backside.

Ackerley looked with amusement at the plump bureaucrat as Anchor offered his pale limp hand in a halfhearted attempt at the handshake.

"My Lord Wishart, I come with the most urgent request from his Majesties Government," he lisped in a peculiarly girlish and very unmanly voice.

Looking up at the ceiling, Ackerley admired the artistry of the painted ceiling and wished desperately he had a gun at hand.  He sighed and put on a jovial voice of enthusiasm.

"Oh, don't tell me the Lord Chamberlains kitty cat is stuck up a tree again."  

Not bloody likely he thought the kitty cat in question was a male Bengal tiger weighing in at 480 odd pounds.  He had managed to persuade it down last time by bringing in Barrington.  The cat had caught one whiff of old Batty's scent, sensed the danger and bolted for the safety of its cage.

"No, something far more sinister, there's to be a vote in the House of Lords and we require every Lord present to be ensure the vote doesn't pass.  You have to go to Africa and bring back Viscount Greystoke."

"Tarzan!" exclaimed Ackerley, "good luck with that.  He's had shot of you rum lot after one of your... well I'm sure you know what he thinks of who makes up the current House.  Just what is this bill before the House that has this urgency?"

"It's a bill to pass equal rights for people who are not heterosexuals, the House won't hear of it."

Quite right thought Ackerley the House had enough queers and steers amongst them already legalise it and who knows what would come out from under the robes.

"But isn't that a good think, equal rights, you know you could extend it to women as well."

The look of utter horror that flashed across Anchors face was panicky as it was brief.

"No, certainly not.  Next thing they'll be running the country, then how will we tell who's frilly panties were left in chambers?  What!"

What indeed thought Ackerley.  Well he could not refuse a request from His Majesties Government, no matter how frivolous the matter.  Duty and honour, the by words of the Empire, God save the King!  After all he could always say he couldn't find Tarzan, or they got the dates wrong, he was sure Tarzan would be just as happy to play silly buggers with this sodding lot of buggers... literally.

"When's the vote?"


"Impossible," interjected Ackerley, "I know I'm bloody good but I can't get from Blighty to Africa in 24 hours.  Be reasonable old man."

"A vote is being put forward for a vote to be taken on the subject.  After which we will then vote on the substance of the vote, it's nature, the wording, how it might apply to the interpretation of the vote.  I expect it will be ready to be voted on in 18 months, unless we can get it to committee, in which case we can stall it indefinitely.  You'd best work on 18 months though, that should be plenty of time for a quick dash and grab."

Ackerley looked up at the ceiling again and just wondered what his bloody country was devolving to.  If things got any more hairy he'd have to join Tarzan and hope the friendly natives remained friendly...

No comments:

Post a Comment